I can’t tell you how difficult it is to become a mother…
I have dabbled in customer service, and sales and marketing. I have handled one, two, even fifty-four people at a time. When I was two months pregnant, I left my job to become what I always wanted to be, but nothing prepared me for my role as a mum.
I cannot measure how difficult it is, but I can tell you how it is like for me everyday.
How getting a toilet break is hard when the baby refuses to be put down; how I become so hungry and when I get a crack in time to do so, he cries again and looks for me; how five minutes can be both long and short; how I have kept myself awake while the baby latches on me because I was afraid he might choke if I fall asleep; how I wake up in the middle of the night to change diapers and then I get peed or pooped on…
How he cries and cries, and I carry him. And he cries. And I sit with him. And he cries. And I lie down with him. And he still cries. I had been tired, so many times and I did not know what to do.
Yesterday, Khale cried so much because he pooped. He had not been pooping regularly, so it’s really such a big surprise to my husband (who washes the cloth diapers) when he does. I prepped him for clean up; and he kept wiggling and stretching that he ended up having poop on his feet, legs and my hand.
I ran frantically to prepare because he needed a bath again. He cried inconsolably. He screamed. It was loud enough for a few neighbors on the lower floors to hear. I prayed the water would heat up faster. I sang to him, talked to him, but he cried in a way that sounded like I had betrayed him.
I cannot tell you how emotionally painful this nappy change had been.
It’s hard to become a mother on moments like these. Suddenly, I was just human like everybody else. Tired. Weary. Sleepless.
But then I carried him again after the little battle we had. And I swayed to a sound only me and Khale could hear. And he calmed down. I sat down. He placed his head between my breasts, closed his eyes, spread his arms, and hugged me.
I looked at him and I smiled.
And in that moment, I became a mother again.